An unrestrained, minimally edited “monologue” of sorts.
My mind is a rocky concoction of instability. My thoughts, an intricately laid out mine-field. One wrong step, and another explosion that brings me to a new idea, another potential passion. Another brilliant color to add, as I paint my life out. And I want all the colors. I want to taste every shade the world has to offer. Problem is, applying every color gives each less room on my painting. I can only fit so much in a 15 by 8 frame. So I pick and choose. And pick and choose again. Because I want to get the painting right. To get it perfect. I want the painting to be unique yet familiar, brilliant yet humbling, inspirational yet practical. As I’m squeezing the potential out of one color, I can’t help but wonder, will the next one have more to offer?
So I wander. I hop. I bounce off the walls that enclose me, hoping to find a way out. Or find my path back. Back to when I didn’t think this much. Didn’t doubt so often. Didn’t see the story that could be woven from every word. Back when life was simpler. And colors were simply named, like red, white, blue, green. When the different shades didn’t matter. Now everything matters. Every shade means something. Every choice makes an impact. Now, my mind is on fire. Every thought sets it aflame another shade of red.
My mind, once a tame kindled creature of humble, straightforward intentions has grown wild with hopes, desires, ambition, lust, and greed. They fight with each other, battling for more space and attention, burning out one path, then changing direction.
I don’t look at the painting while I paint anymore. I don’t try to understand the unpredictable strokes. I no longer warm my hands by the hearth. The flame may jump out and devour me.
Inspired by the DailyPost prompt Unpredictable
Hey darlings 🙂 Writing this post was such a cathartic release for me. The prompt actually fit perfectly with the state that I am currently in, and have been in these past couple of days. I’ve been jumping between majors, and trying to figure out how I want my next three years of college to pan out…aka which extracurriculars to do, which to sacrifice. I felt like I had decided last night, then today another round of “maybes” hit. So of course during this emotional, high stress moment, all due to me overthinking, I come to my blog to write. And I mean, the prompt “unpredictable” is really me in a nutshell right now.
Hope you guys enjoyed the read. Please leave a comment (located above the post) with any feedback or random messages. 🙂